PHOTO: SHUTTERSTOCK

Now that the hot dogs have been devoured, the crisp beer has been quaffed and the sunburn is beginning to wane, let us reflect on that most stupid of Independence Day rituals.

No, I’m not talking about the hot dog eating contest. That’s an American treasure.

I’m talking about backyard fireworks — or front yard, or streetside, or abandoned train tracks. Anywhere, in short, that people other than trained professionals are engaging in the pyrotechnic arts.

The purchase and use of such limp explosives is legal … I think. There’s been a long and scattershot decriminalization of home fireworks over the past few decades, but as far as I can tell, no one is going to lock you up for sending a disappointing trail of chartreuse sparks into a hazy summer sky.

The legality of an activity, however, does not speak to whether or not that endeavor is a good idea. And the use of backyard fireworks is now and always has been phenomenally stupid, even if you manage to do so without misaligning the artillery and burning off your nephew’s eyebrows.

Before anyone makes the following point on Reddit, yes, this is another one of those columns in which I grumble about people having fun. It’s kind of my brand.

The exception this time, however, is that I refuse to believe that the lighting of amateur fireworks is actually fun for anyone. I can go so far as to admit that sparklers are marginally fun — it’s like you have a magic wand, kinda — but setting off single rockets of mediocre fireworks is not actually fun. It’s boring, disappointing and generally unimpressive. If, at some point in the past, you believe that you had fun setting off backyard fireworks, I would ask one question: Were you drunk?

And if the answer is yes: Isn’t everything fun when you’re drunk? We turned bowling into a whole sport based on the concept that doing things when drunk is fun, even if those things are objectively not that fun.

We live in the dazzling shadow of the Zambelli company, the New Castle-based firework dynasty that lights up Downtown’s skies on holidays and five-to-eight Pirates games per year. They put on very good, legitimately entertaining fireworks shows. We’ve seen them; we have more than enough opportunity to see more. And with that embarrassment of pyrotechnic riches, why would we bother with weak, spasmodic replicas fired off the back porch?

It’s like going to see Metallica, then coming home and hitting one off-key chord on an out-of-tune guitar. You’re technically using the same tool, but it ain’t “Enter Sandman.”

More importantly, you’re engaging in an activity that’s dangerous and, to many, harmful. According to the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, fireworks were responsible for eight deaths and 9,700 trips to the emergency room in 2023. It’s a pointless reason to go to the hospital, and a downright ridiculous reason to die.

Fireworks are also dangerous to combat veterans, for whom the sudden explosions may trigger post-traumatic stress symptoms. And the July 4th holiday represents a spike in activity at animal shelters, as terrified dogs panic and run, unable to understand the loud noises in the sky.

To recap: We have an activity that is unimpressive and dull that’s harmful to veterans and dogs … and it might kill you.

This is a good idea? This is something that’s worth doing?

Let’s leave this stupid activity in the past. Go to a professional fireworks show if you’d like; there are plenty to choose from. But don’t actively risk injury and make your neighborhood a worse place to be for an activity that isn’t worth doing in the first place.