PHOTO BY LAURA RADFORD / AMAZON

The 1989 film “Road House” succeeded due to three factors.

Actually, hang on — the 1989 film “Road House” didn’t really succeed. It was a critical flop that did ho-hum box office at best. It became something a mild sleeper hit via VHS sales, then (much later) became a cable-TV staple that endured more due to repetition than anything resembling actual quality.

That’s not to say that “Road House” is exactly bad; it has nothing but charm and plenty of agreeable quirk. It’s not, however, a particularly good film — and its path to recognition was winding and largely incidental.

Anyway: It partially succeeded due to three factors: The supernatural charisma of Patrick Swayze; an unintentional over-the-top ridiculousness; and the inherent appeal of big-screen bar fights. The first factor is gone; the second can’t be replicated; the third can, but is easy to get wrong.

So naturally, the remake of “Road House” is as disjointed as it is ill-conceived.

Like the original, the new film — helmed by notably uneven director Doug Liman — puts a seemingly invulnerable bouncer (Jake Gyllenhaal) against a scheming capitalist (Billy Magnussen). Once again, the flashpoint for this feud is a rough-and-tumble bar; our nominal hero comes in to quell the nightly brawls and discovers deeper tensions.

Unlike the original, we’re stuck with a poorly written and ultimately loathable protagonist. Gyllenhaal isn’t necessarily a bad actor (he’s particular skilled when playing unsavory types, as in “Nightcrawler” and “Okja”), but he’s unconvincing as the gentle bruiser in the first half of the film — then detestable in the back half. Instead of making its lead a zen drifter like Swayze played, this “Road House” pivots in a surprisingly dark direction. (I’d comment on the love story, but I don’t want to devote more words to it than the script does.)

There are moments of fun; Magnussen chews the scenery with gusto, and pro fighter Conor McGregor causes ample mayhem. But they can’t make up for a project that never should’ve existed and doesn’t know what to do now that it does.

No one even says “pain don’t hurt.” What’s the point?

My Rating: 4/10

“Road House” is now streaming on Prime Video.